Today, I found out about the opportunity of a lifetime. Pearson United World College: two years in beautiful British Columbia, receiving specialized education amongst students from all over the world. On a full scholarship. Curiosity sparked by a post seen on Facebook, I googled the place, and proceeded to spend the next two hours reading through every student blog, pamphlet, and media release I could find. As I grew more and more excited about this experience which sounded absolutely perfect for me, I couldn't help but feel a lurking sense that something was off.
And then it hit me.
Despite being called a "College", the curriculum being described was of a high school program. Specifically, the two-year International Baccalaureate Program that I am currently undertaking. Meaning that I had already missed my chance to apply.
It was a devastating moment of realization. I felt empty inside. I couldn't stop myself from browsing one linkedin profile of an alumnus after another, becoming more bitter and dejected at each successive success story appearing before my eyes. I re-read the College profile of an ideal applicant, listed on their beautiful website. I clicked my way through glossy photos of students having the time of their lives. Inexplicable waves of anger and numbness washed over me, as I wondered why I hadn't heard of the program earlier, why I never even gotten the chance to apply, why why why why WHY.
Writing things out has eased my conflicted feelings greatly. I guess it's time to come to terms with the fact that we truly can't have everything. I can sit here dreaming about what if, but the truth, sad as it might be, is that the train has come and gone, without me on it. I can either stand around waiting on the platform forever, or get on the next train to a different destination.
Not having known is probably the part that hurts the most, because I will look back and always wonder how things may have turned out differently if only. But these thoughts do me no good now, and are useless to dwell upon.
I suppose there will always be those moments in life: crossroads, and missed intersections on a one-way lane. The only reassurance is that perhaps this is the way that things were meant to be, a path already carved out for me in advance by some higher power. Hopefully one with a better idea of what they are doing than me.
For the time being, an ache in my chest will serve as a final reminder of the road not taken.
***
Week Recap
Friday: 4-hour TW Drama/Mentalist/Glee Marathon
Saturday: Dentist. Downtown Scholarship Expo Flop. Chance encounter with Nuit Blanche art celebration. Lovely day with Dad.
Sunday: Homework. Scouthouse meeting.
Monday: Saddest day of year so far. Failed an economics test due to utter carelessness (messing up first calculation, no ECF). Scouts was a welcome but fleeting distraction.
Tuesday: Late start. Barely got through day after having trouble sleeping night prior due to thoughts of failed economics test.
Wednesday: Sadness and self-loathing magnified by Economics teacher's disappointed lecture in class first period. Survived history essay test.
Thursday: Enjoyable short day before long weekend. Lovely time talking to ex-history student about McGill (top Canadian university under consideration), obtained okay results in bio lab. Pleased with performance on KPA, handed back in English class. New Kdrama (The Heirs) marathon in evening with mother.
Friday: Accomplished history and economics homework for long weekend, as well as sent out final UK school application. Had lunch at Pizza Hut with mother and brother, and made a generally nice time of it all.
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