284. + 285. Balancing Act

As I'm beginning this, it's about 40 minutes to the official end of this long-awaited four-day holiday.

And then another 6 hours and 45 minutes until super-hectic school life resumes.

The question I'm finding myself asking repeatedly recently is just what exactly the perfect division should be--between work and play, school and family, productivity and mindless procrastination.

It's strange that the issue comes up at such a critical juncture in my life. After all, I've spent practically a decade putting academia above all else without a second thought. It was definitely rewarding to reap the benefits of all that hard work in my good reputation and commendable grades. At the same time, with all the time spent holed up in my room, slaving away at projects and studying in solitude, there was always the fleeting thought at the back of my mind, wondering what I had missed out on.

I've never really doubted my mindset--that I working hard now so I could really enjoy life later. It was what I told myself when I turned down that first invitation to hang out with old friends. And what I used to justify not going out for dinner with my family. Movies, parties, and family outings--the number of those I didn't attend soon exceeded the number that I did. By the time I was in high school, I had effectively maximized study time: by no longer making trips outside the house unless directly related to extracurricular activities. I made no more visits to supermarkets, no more pleasure trips to the mall, and didn't see friends from school outside of working on projects together.

Looking back, I didn't lose my social life in a day; it was a gradual process. 

People often tell me how impressed they are by my efficient routine. On the outside, I suppose it does appear that I am socially adept--after all, I do take part in a variety of extracurricular activities, and generally get along well with others. Lately, though, I feel that somewhere along the way, I seem to have lost something important. 

The truth is, I miss lazing about on a Saturday afternoon, reading YA novels at the dinner table and engaging in conversations about life with my mom. I miss riding bikes around the neighbourhood with my brother while he threatens to crash into me. I miss spending hours swivelling on a chair while watching my dad conduct an experiment in his lab. I miss making random trips to the supermarket with my grandparent and holding my nose in the fish aisle.

I've come to realization that maybe I don't value high marks as much as I had thought. And that maybe I've spent a little too long deluding myself into believing that sacrificing everything to achieve them was worth it.

This Thanksgiving, I didn't finish my Math IA, History IA, or TOK essays as I had planned. Nor did I study for the upcoming biology test as thoroughly as I probably should have.

Instead, I visited the Botanical Garden and smelled flowers and ate honey sticks and went to No Frills and STC for the first time in months.

And you know what? I was happy.