Scattered Thoughts on NYE

I feel tricked, slighted by Father Time.

(Why is it that we anthropromorphize time anyways? Perhaps to make the fact that we're dying as soon as we're born, fading as soon as we appear a less bitter pill to swallow? As if an old bearded man justifies the fact that I can't get yesterday back, can't hold my shit today together, can't reach into tomorrow and prepare for what is coming. As if we can unrealize the fact that we are scribbling with permanent markers in a notebook of finite pages, with only one shot to write a masterpiece, as long as we put a human face on it all. Then again, we have Santa Claus, so maybe this is the way it works. Or maybe I'm just cynical and think too much. Either way, I digress.)

The earth continues to spin, continues to move as I ponder, a silent witness/abettor/principal (here goes my CRI225 brain) to another year having come to a close.

I am compelled to reflect: What have I accomplished? How have I changed? What next?

2015 has been a strange one. Hazy. Muddled. Missed connections and suppressed frustrations. It was a year of endless to-do lists and lights at ends of tunnels only to realize I had forgotten to turn off my headlights.

But, I made it through. Made it through the first year of undergrad, juggling a part-time job, being a Council Youth Commissioner, and living daily in a household of one less person. I made it through a year of sleepless nights, relentless stress, and inexplicable bouts of nostalgia for simpler times when everything made sense and everyone was happy. I made it through.

And somehow along the way I also found time to laugh with friends, students, and coworkers. I travelled alone for the first time to another city, province, and then continent. I got lost alone for the first time in another city but managed to make it home. I went to talks that inspired and tried to surround myself with positive people and poured my heart into causes I believe in.

It hasn't been an easy year, but it was a year of beginnings. I am beginning to heal. I can feel my shattered faith in the world being swept up and mended. I can feel the heavy weight in my heart slowly beginning to ease. God, this is becoming incredibly cheesy.

So, the only remaining question: What next?

Continuing to pick up the pieces, I guess. Trying to stay positive, mostly. Bringing projects to fruition, maintaining newfound relationships with people, making an effort to put myself out there again and open myself up to new opportunties.

I want to refind my faith, as I encourage those in my community to appreciate and respect others' faiths. I want to stop being scared of rejection and learn to embrace failures and celebrate small victories.

2015, I am scrubbing off the mishaps and sadness you brought.
2016, I am ready to be refreshed by the surprises you have in stow.

Bring it on, Father Time. Bring. It. On.