Reset | On Rejection

I've never dwelled much on the fate of second leads in dramas--the guy/girl who spends the majority of the plotline hopelessly engaged in one-sided love with a lead character, then ultimately faces the bitter sting of rejection. 

Watching episode 9 of T-Drama In a Good Way today, though, had me bawling for a good ten minutes as I identified with the show's second female lead in a way that was overwhelming and surprising. As she courageously confessed to the male lead, who ended up breaking her heart, her every word resonated deep within me, to the point where I was actually experiencing physical pain in my chest.

The strangest part of this whole ordeal is that I'm not suffering from any form of romantic heartbreak. In fact, I'm so inexperienced in that department that it's fair to say I wouldn't have been able to empathize with her feelings in that way at all.

Instead, I think I personified the male lead as my dream school, which as noted in my last post I was rejected from on Monday. (Who knew I had such a vivid imagination? Maybe I should have applied to study English instead.) It's been a week, and I've yet to have a good, hard cry about it all. Instead, I've gone through periods of denial, anger, and most recently, numbness. Perhaps this is how the brain subconsciously tries to cope? 

In the drama, the second lead delivers a very poignant confession, in which she tells the male lead about all the attributes of his that she admires, and the reasons why she thinks they are meant to be. From his academic prowess and admirable athletic ability, to the fact that they got along so well as friends for five years that she sometimes feels that their hearts are somehow connected, I couldn't help but identify their entire relationship with my feelings towards Cambridge.

For sad beings like me that replace visions of romance with those of academic accomplishment, getting rejected from your dream school is surprisingly similar to getting rejected by the person you like. Especially if you like the most popular kid in school that every other guy or girl is also in love with. You spend countless hours envisioning life at your dream school, much like how some may daydream about marriage and the future with their crush. You idealize every aspect of the program and school, like how some might place the object of their affections on a pedestal. Most importantly, you bare yourself emotionally when you fill out those applications, searching for the best parts of yourself that allow you to believe that you are good enough to attend the school. It really isn't that different from gathering up the courage to finally confess your feelings to somebody who deep down, you don't think you deserve.

In both cases, your emotional state is fragile at every turn. Despite all the talk of preparing for rejection, and being remarkably aware of just how stacked the odds are against you, you still possess that tiny burning flame of hope, that maybe you will be the one-in-a-million that somehow manages to obtain the Holy Grail of happiness.

You really put yourself out there. 

And then reality hits. 

They say it's not that not you're good enough, but that you're just not what they're looking for at the moment. This doesn't stop you from thinking over and over that it is because you aren't good enough, and bitterly resenting someone who is. Every single one of those carefully stacked hopes and dreams comes crashing down like plates. And you are the one left to pick up the pieces.

To wrap up this strange comparison between one-sided loves and university rejections, I'd like to quote another Asian drama, the celebrated Answer Me 1994, in which a character says, "The only way to end a one-sided love is to confess."

Despite all the emotional havoc that followed, I don't regret applying to my dream school, because at least there's a sense of closure now that everything is over and done with.

And I suppose that like a failed confession, the experience is ultimately for the better, allowing you to find the person (or place) that is really right for you and truly appreciates everything you have to offer.

The best thing to do after a rejection is to do some reflection, and then move on with life. 

A week's mourning period has been long enough, and with this end of this post, I resolve to end my one-sided love with my dream school.

Goodbye, Cambridge. I hope you found your perfect fit, even if it wasn't me.